Fun Stuff at Outwest Tobacco

Overheard in a Senior Trailer Park:

A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If a word is masspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is our of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expeected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Smart Italian....
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that
the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of
the bank.

The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan
officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks
it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

ONE LAWYER YOU HAVE TO LOVE

New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client. This is one lawyer you gotta love!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

(Actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

Once in your lifetime happening!!! On Wednesday,April 5, 2006 at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again. You may now return to your (normal?) life.

COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

A general at Offutt Air Force Base called the Motor Pool and asked for a Jeep. A private at the Motor Pool answered the phone,
"Motor Pool."
"I'd like a jeep sent to my office at once," said the general.
"I'm sorry, sir, we have no jeeps at this motor pool. All we have is limousines."
"Why do you have limousines and no jeeps?", inquired the general.
"Well, you see,sir, we have to keep a lot of limousines for all these fat-a__ed generals on this base."
"Is that so?," said the general. "Do you know who you're talking with?"
"No, sir, I don't."
"This is General Curtis Lemay!"
"Do you know who you're talking to?," asked the private.
"No, I don't," said General Lemay.
"Goodbye, fat-a__!"

Subject: WHUT'S UP

So a 2 letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is
this stuff about English being easy? There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the
dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and
definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,
things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............

I'll shut UP.....!

Would you pass a car with this license plate?
PMS License plate

A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson motorcycle when a well-known heart surgeon entered his shop.

The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike
when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a
question?"

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look
at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, fix them, put 'em
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So why do I get such a
small salary and you get big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the
same work?"

The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it
with the engine running."

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed...just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up and then
in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop this whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"



Home Coffee Farmer Bros Treasure Valley Coffee Maker Cleaner Bulk Tobacco Cornell & Diehl Lane, Ltd. McClelland Stokkebye Two Friends House Miscellaneous Tin Tobacco CAO Dan Cornell & Diehl Dunhill Gawith G L Pease MacBaren McClelland Peterson Rattray's Briar Pipes Peterson Savinelli Antique Shell Savinelli Baronet Stanwell Bjarne Brindisi Economy Meerschaum Accessories Close Out Specials Gift Certificates About Tobacco Eric Whitaker Site Map Pipe Smoking Tobacco Blog Secure Cart	Order Pipe Tobacco, Briar Pipes and Coffee Toll Free 1-866-285-6046 or use our Secure Shopping Cart You must be 18 to purchase tobacco products

	Tobacco \| Pipes \| Accessories \| Coffee \| Contact \| Policy \| Shipping \| Fun Stuff
	Fun Stuff Pictures
	At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank -- they let three goats loose in the school. But, before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3. Overheard in a Senior Trailer Park: A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Your figure it out..... If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If a word is masspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? Why do we say something is our of whack? What is a whack? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expeected? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Smart Italian.... An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Ah, The Italians! ONE LAWYER YOU HAVE TO LOVE New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client. This is one lawyer you gotta love!! A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?" Crafty Seniors...... A Couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks "What can I do for you?" Moe says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, and charges them $50 and says goodbye. The next week the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, they pay the doctor and leave. Finally after six weeks of this routine the doctor asks, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask, Just what are you two trying to find out?" Moe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!" Compare the size of Earth to Other Planets Once in your lifetime happening!!! On Wednesday,April 5, 2006 at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again. You may now return to your (normal?) life. Griffen Road north of Malad, Idaho could also be known as Boot Road with the hundreds of boots gracing the fence posts. The story is a local dairy farmer started doing it and it became a tradition with others. Journal photo by D. Lindley. Photo Courtesy of the Idaho State Journal Isn't this amazing? TAXES Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax Capital Gains Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Court Fines (indirect taxes) Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money) Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Local Income Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Septic Permit Tax Service Charge Taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Taxes (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax Road Toll Booth Taxes School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone federal excise tax Telephone federal universal service fee tax Tel ephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes Telephone mi nimu m usage surcharge tax Telephone recurring and non-recurring charge s tax Telephone state and local tax Telephone usage charge tax Toacco Taxes Toll Bridge Taxes Toll Tunnel Taxes Traffic Fines (indirect taxation) Trailer Registration Tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What the hell happened? A general at Offutt Air Force Base called the Motor Pool and asked for a Jeep. A private at the Motor Pool answered the phone, "Motor Pool." "I'd like a jeep sent to my office at once," said the general. "I'm sorry, sir, we have no jeeps at this motor pool. All we have is limousines." "Why do you have limousines and no jeeps?", inquired the general. "Well, you see,sir, we have to keep a lot of limousines for all these fat-a__ed generals on this base." "Is that so?," said the general. "Do you know who you're talking with?" "No, sir, I don't." "This is General Curtis Lemay!" "Do you know who you're talking to?," asked the private. "No, I don't," said General Lemay. "Goodbye, fat-a__!" Montana Street Gang Subject: WHUT'S UP So a 2 letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy? There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............. I'll shut UP.....! Would you pass a car with this license plate? A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle when a well-known heart surgeon entered his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The doctor, a bit surprised, walked over. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, fix them, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So why do I get such a small salary and you get big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the same work?" The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running." THE OUTHOUSE POEM Author Unknown The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed...just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up and then in obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop this whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"
	Home \| Tobacco \| Pipes \| Accessories \| Coffee Contact \| Policy \| Shipping \| Links \| Fun Stuff You must be 18 to purchase tobacco products Copyright 2006, 2007 Outwest Tobacco

Coffee

Bulk Tobacco

Tin Tobacco

Briar Pipes

Fun Stuff Pictures

Fun Stuff
Pictures