A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!
------------ --------- --------- --
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were
busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became
an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the
No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that
the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of
The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan
officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, The Italians!
A general at Offutt Air Force Base called the Motor Pool and asked for a Jeep.
A private at the Motor Pool answered the phone,
"I'd like a jeep sent to my office at once," said the general.
"I'm sorry, sir, we have no jeeps at this motor pool. All we have is limousines."
"Why do you have limousines and no jeeps?", inquired the general.
"Well, you see,sir, we have to keep a lot of limousines for all these fat-a__ed generals on this base."
"Is that so?," said the general. "Do you know who you're talking with?"
"No, sir, I don't."
"This is General Curtis Lemay!"
"Do you know who you're talking to?," asked the private.
"No, I don't," said General Lemay.
Would you pass a car with this license plate?
A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson motorcycle when a well-known heart surgeon entered his shop.
The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike
when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a
The doctor, a bit surprised, walked over.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look
at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, fix them, put 'em
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So why do I get such a
small salary and you get big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the
The surgeon smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it
with the engine running."
THE OUTHOUSE POEM
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed...just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up and then
in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop this whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"